Raven was born on June 9, 2025. We picked her from a Yorkshire Terrier breeder website in Arizona. I had been wanting a solid black Yorkie ever since I saw one several months before in a vet office. We made a weekend trip out of her pickup day on August 20, 2025. We noticed from the beginning that she seemed a little more shaky than the average nervous Yorkie. We chalked it up to her getting adjusted to new people, leaving her litter and traveling by car from Phoenix to home. After the first week, once she seemed like she had adjusted well and fallen in with our other pups, the mild shaking seemed to be just a part of her. 

Raven was such a doll baby from the beginning. She was so sweet and affectionate, she was a total lap baby, always wanting to be close. It took several weeks for us to recognize the shaking seemed to be worse and more than just the Yorkie shakes. But in every other way she was a perfectly healthy, fun-loving, quirky little puppy. Her shakes seemed more like Parkinson’s tremors and we joked about it and called her our little Parkinson’s pup. We probably knew something wasn’t right but didn’t want that to be true since she was perfect in every other way. We finally started questioning if we should have her checked again by the vet, but because she was so healthy and when we held her or when she slept the shaking subsided. That was until her first scary and crazy episode on November 4th.

I had reclined in my chair near the slider door to the backyard and had been watching the dogs play and chase each other around the yard. They are very entertaining to watch run back and forth across the yard with their short little legs, barking playfully. Suddenly the barking seemed to change with more of a desperate whimpering sound mixed in and I saw her dart by into the house out of the corner of my eye with the other dogs chasing her like a mob. I jumped up to go see what was going on. She seemed to be running frantically into the back corner of their enclosure that is set up in my dining room area. The dogs were on her and she seemed to be running and flailing against the enclosure like she was trying to disappear into it. I ran around the kitchen island to the backside of their area and lifted her out to pull her away from the other dogs. She was very hard to hold onto, she seemed terrified, whimpering and flailing in my hands. I set her back down in the kitchen afraid I was hurting her and she ran for the corner, again frantically pushing her head into it. I picked her up and she started pooping, losing bowel control as she flailed and cried with her terrified noises, I could barely hold onto her. By this time she had drawn Danny’s attention as I carried her toward him in the family room he told me to put her down. Again she ran for the corner, I grabbed her up and placed her in a small crate that was sitting nearby. She continued to flail around in the crate making her very distinct whimpering crying noises, much different from the usual squawking sounds of a pup in pain.

I got her into the car and drove to the vet, she rode next to me in the front seat inside her crate. She was pressing up against the side of the crate, almost in a half standing defensive position. When I would reach toward her she would jerk and flail away. She calmed somewhat on the drive, quieting down but still pushing against the crate with her back and acting terrified. Once we arrived at the vet I carried her in and they brought me directly to a room. The vet came in and asked me a slew of questions about what happened, exposures, if she’d eaten anything she shouldn’t, etc. When I tried to reach into the crate to get her out she would flail and snap at me. We finally were able to calmly coax her to allow me to hold her and hand her off to the vet tech who took her into the back. She seemed calmer but apparently started flailing again once she got to the back. They wrapped her in a towel and held her to start an IV and give her some medication to relax her. They gave her fluids, drew blood and took X-rays of her. She slowly came out of it and started to calm down until only her usual shaky tremors remained. They questioned a possible toxin exposure from the yard like snail or rat baits. In the end they said the episode seemed neurological and possibly seizure-like and that I was right thinking that the tremors were not normal Yorkie shaking. I was referred to a veterinary internist for further testing since all her tests returned normal. I took her home once she seemed to have come out of the episode and had bstayed calm for some time. 

The following day I took her to Yorba Linda, to the specialist, and they ran tests for a possible liver shunt which could show neurological manifestations and is more common in her small breed. The tests were negative. So she referred me to a veterinary neurologist in Tustin. I made the appt for November 12, the soonest they could see her. 

The neurological exam appointment was long and very thorough. The neurologist ran her own series of X-rays of her spine, an MRI of her brain and a spinal tap. (Also, a blood draw the following week to rule out a vitamin B deficiency). The news was not good. The MRI showed lesions on her brain unlike any the doctor had seen before. She had a couple possible diagnosis in mind but wanted feedback from the radiologist for a final diagnosis and to get the spinal tap results back to rule out an infectious source. 

The next day, November 13th, Raven had her second episode, same as before. This time she ended up behind the refrigerator which I had to pull out to get to her. I put her in her crate with some soft puppy blankets. Her episode lasted a little over an hour before she calmed down. Watching her struggle and flail as if she was trying to escape from her own body was heartbreaking. I could do nothing to comfort her, if I tried to reach into the crate she would snap at me. She made the saddest most terrified cries. 

The neurologist called us after 3 days as promised and the diagnosis was Metabolic Encephalopathy which is a liposomal storage disease, as she suspected. 

It was fatal. 

We followed up 3 weeks later with the neurologist on December 3rd. At that point Raven had only had the two episodes in November and though her tremors were a little more severe, she wasn’t in pain because of them. She was eating and drinking and playing and eliminating normally. So the doctor advised us that as long as she was doing those things and wasn’t hurting herself or deteriorating to where she couldn’t walk and until the episodes became more frequent, we should just keep on loving her through it. The decision to euthanize her was all about “quality of life.” We asked what a practical timeline was before things would most likely deteriorate and we would have to make that decision. The doctor said the condition was so rare and had never been documented before in a Yorkie, but in the other breeds it had been documented in, they only lived 4-6 months. At that point Raven was almost 6 months old.

In the month of December, Raven had 15 separate episodes. Although they were shorter in length lasting only about 10 minutes at the most. Each time we would place her in her crate and talk softly to her and she would usually settle down allowing us to touch her through the openings in the crate. We constantly questioned how will we know when to make the call to end this for her. Her tremors became constant even when sleeping, she became more twitchy and moved around in a quirky way, her walk being soft footed with a slightly arched back. She still ran around and played with the other dogs and was over all “healthy.” She always wanted to be held and would sleep for as long as I let her curl up on me  or stretched out next to me in my chair. She was the sweetest little shaky baby and we adored her. We were determined to make it to Christmas with her, than New Years. Taking each week and day at a time. 

The last week of December her last couple episodes were so bad we thought she would certainly hurt herself, literally bouncing off the walls of her crate, squawking and crying and flailing around. The only thing holding us back was that the episodes were only 10 min long at the most and the rest of the time she was her shaky, precious, quirky little self, just wanting to be loved. She could still walk but just seemed a little less stable on her feet. She also had became more off balance and confused at times, she had started barking at her own reflection or anyone moving around in the house and sometimes at the other dogs. It was random but always seemed like she was disoriented and confused when she did it. Her own sort of dementia. We started having to crate her at night with a blanket over her crate, away from the other dogs for her own safety, not knowing when an episode might be triggered and so that she wouldn’t bark randomly at reflections, and the other dogs, and them at her. 

We made it a few more days past New Years and she had gone 4 whole days without an episode. It made for a quiet, peaceful New Years weekend at home with all our pups.

Then on the 4th of January, she had 2 short episodes about 2 hours apart. We both had noticed she seemed to be getting thinner, we didn’t see her at the food and water bowls as often. She also seemed to just want to sleep on me or next to me most of the time. Her running and romping around with the other dogs was much more infrequent and she had no tolerance for being disturbed by one of them during a nap. A couple of her episodes came out of a deep sleep and she would wake up flailing and trying to run, the unusual cry and spastic running was always our cue that she was having an episode, so we would jump into action scooping her up, holding her away from us as she struggled to be put down and lost control of her bowels and bladder also now, then placing her in the crate as we talked soothingly to her until it was over. The episodes made the other dogs go crazy barking and trying to reach her which always upset her more, so we often placed her crate in the hallway during an episode away from the others with a blanket over her crate. 

This was life with Raven, we don’t regret choosing her. We were honored to be the ones to get to love her through her short life. We didn’t feel like we wasted our money getting her diagnosed. It helped us cope with what we were dealing with, to understand what was coming and to know we had done everything we could for her. We appreciated our many doctors along the way who showed so much concern and compassion for her. Who coached us on what to expect, what to watch for and when it would be time to make the hard decision. When quality of life was no longer her majority. Also, Anna, her breeder who offered to take her back so we wouldn’t have to deal with the progression of her disease and was so sorry that we had gotten this one in a million baby with issues. But we weren’t sorry and we had no desire to escape her final days or not be the ones to love her through her deterioration, through each episode, through the holidays and quiet times, funny times and sweet times, with her. We wanted to extend her quality of life as long as possible and then be the ones to decide it was time for her to take one last long nap. 

Two nights ago I got up during the night to let the dogs out and sat and watched Ravens disoriented behavior and knew the days with her were short and it was time. We have struggled over the last couple weeks with when the time would come because even though some of the episodes were really really bad and excruciating to see her go thru, her overall quality of life deterioration was slow. So weighing the balance of “is her life more good than bad” has been hard. We don’t want to see her deteriorate into pain, incontinence, weakness and slow weight loss as her appetite decreases. But we also loved every snuggle, every moment of sweetness and quiet she shared with us. We kept hoping along the way, “let’s get thru Christmas,” “let’s get thru New Years,” but recognizing the slow decline and that we were already down from the “let’s see how this week goes,” to “let’s see how the next couple days go.” We knew the time was here. So yesterday we talked about it and decided it was time to call the vet. She won’t have to experience anymore deterioration, anymore wild, seizure like episodes, confusion or pain. I had to ask myself when do we cross the line from giving her a life for her to enjoy, to doing it more for us. It’s impossible to know. How does one decide what “quality of life” is for a little creature that can’t tell you how it feels to live inside her body, to loose control, what kind of pain she is experiencing, etc?

Today was the day. January 6, 2026, 3 days shy of her 7 month birthday. This was so much harder than I even imagined it would be because part of her was still so okay, so sweet and precious. She covered me with puppy kisses on our way into the vet office. How could I not ask myself over and over if I was doing the right thing? If it was really the right time? If I should have just kept evaluating her until it was absolutely necessary? Doubt  was swirling in my mind. I just kept reminding myself, “her brain is covered in lesions,” “her condition is progressive,” “time is not on her side.” “She will not get better.”

The vet assured me I had made the right decision. That I did all the right things for her. This was the window and the goal was to not allow her to pass the point into a life of suffering. I held her as the vet gave her a sedative and then as she fell asleep I said my goodbyes and showered her with kisses telling her how sorry I was that she got dealt this hand. Once she was in a deep sleep I allowed the vet to take her into the back to administer the final meds. I didn’t want to watch her die. There was no point once she was asleep and unaware, so I slipped out quietly and drove home.

Danny and I are both so consumed with sadness. How did we come to love her and bond with her even more in knowing we would loose her. It seems so self defeating, but maybe more inevitable because of what she was experiencing. 

As I write this with tears streaming down my face after having lost her, I can’t imagine taking in a new “replacement” puppy right now. Since her condition was genetic, I can choose a new puppy from her breeder, but I just can’t find any joy right now in a new puppy. I contacted her breeder and told her we wouldn’t be able to pick a “replacement” puppy for some time. Not that we could ever replace Raven. Anna was very understanding. A new puppy deserves someone’s whole heart and mine is shattered right now. I need time to pick up the pieces left from Ravens short but exquisite existence. I would revisit a new puppy later if and when I’m ready, but for now my heart and memories are with our sweet quirky Raven. 

She shook her way into our lives and hearts and it’s there she will remain. 

Goodbye Raven.  

“Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard”

    ~Lyrics from The Scientist~

There is hope beyond this

What a wonderful day we had celebrating Christmas Eve with some of our kids and grandkids. We had such a joy-filled time. The kids gifts to us were all so special and you could truly feel the thought and time put into them to make them so meaningful. My love tank is all filled up.

I am laying here at midnight, it’s Christmas and I’m unable to sleep and I began to think about the day and realized with all the merry making, cookie decorating, gift exchanging, Christmas movie watching, where was Jesus in it? Did I fail to bring Jesus into the center of our celebrating?

I began to pray and ask for forgiveness for my failure and thanking him for all my blessings and the good gifts he has given me. Then in my contemplating about all the things we all make Christmas into, the gifts, the decorations, the marketing, the Santa’s, Frosty’s, Rudolph’s, the things that are such a “fun” part of the season, I realized that Christ is there, at the root of it all. All those “things” that we include in celebrating the season, in one way or another, bring joy and peace and love and generosity and hope and charity and goodness even to those who don’t celebrate Christmas for Christ. Even to the nonbeliever.

Christmas brings us all together, believer and nonbeliever. Within the Spirit of the Christmas season, is Christ. At the root of “Christ”mas is Christ! In whatever brings joy to the world during the season and makes all people participate in the celebration, at the root of it all is Christ. Because there wouldn’t be a Christmas to celebrate without him. Every person knows that that is the true reason we celebrate. Just as someday every knee will bow and proclaim Jesus is Lord. Thinking about Christ as the root of Christmas reminded me about what the prophet Isaiah said about Jesus being the Root:

“In that day the Root of Jesse (the heir to David’s throne) will be a banner of salvation to all the world. The nations will rally to him, and the land where he lives will be a glorious place.” Isaiah 11:10

So even the gift exchanging, cookie decorating, movie watching, decorations and food in our celebrating today, the Santas and Charlie Browns and grinches of the season, whatever it may be that brings everyone together in celebration of Christmas has Christ at the root. He is the reason the celebration exists! He is the root of joy and love and the charity of the season. He was the ultimate gift to the world. Everything the Christmas season brings, all the feels, even the magic and nostalgia of the season, comes from the joy and hope and peace that Christ gave us! And so we feel it! And so we celebrate it! And there He is at the root! The Root of Jesse. The root of Christmas. Jesus!

Merry Christmas everyone!

The hope of the season, the hope beyond Christmas, all glory to Him!

Five years. It’s a milestone. At least it is in the cancer world. If your cancer doesn’t return after five years, the chances that it will return after that drop drastically. So after 5 years you are considered “cured!”

Well next month is a 5 year milestone for me. Not my “5 year cancer free” date, that comes on March 12, 2024, when what remained of my tumor was removed by surgical mastectomy. No, next month on August 30, 2018 (5 years ago), was when it all started. I went in for my routine annual mammogram and by the time I left Casa Colina radiology that day the radiologist felt strongly that it was cancer and I knew in my heart that it was also. By the time I got to my car in the parking lot I was asking God already, “why me?” That was the day my life really changed!

I was 46 years old. But then I immediately had to ask myself, “why not me?” My maternal grandmother had breast cancer, my maternal Aunt has metastatic breast cancer, one in eight women will get breast cancer, (my mom has even had it since that time), so what makes me so special that I would honestly think I could escape it? I knew I had it, in my spirit. Maybe my lack of denial was the Lord getting me prepared for the answers that were coming, the waiting, the wondering, the diagnosis. How bad would it be? What stage? Will I die from this? How will the kids take it? How much time do I have left on this earth? How much suffering will I have to go through? Who do I tell and when? What will treatment be like? Will I loose my breasts? What will my husband think? What will my body look like?

A thousand questions circulated through my head over those next 8 weeks while answers were coming and decisions were being made? It was almost as hard in the “not knowing” as the treatment itself. I don’t tend to be a worrier. I can’t even imagine what the entire experience would have been like if I didn’t have my faith in Jesus to see me through it. The comfort he brought me, the lessons I learned, and the healing I went through was crucial. The word HOPE became part of my everyday existence and the biggest lesson learned was that of TRUST. Truly hoping and trusting in the Lord in a way I have never completely given myself up to in the past. Even though I thought I had, He took me to all new levels. Trust without borders. Hope anchoring my journey. And then there was LOVE expressed in so many ways. From Him, from my husband, from my family and from so many friends and neighbors and even strangers.

What I can tell the ladies that read this is get your annual screenings. Whether it is mammogram, ultrasound or MRI. Don’t put it off! It literally saved my life that I had it done when I did. One year prior there was no evidence of cancer on my previous scan. 4 months before when I had my annual physical and breast exam by my primary Dr the tumor could not be felt. By the time I had the mammogram on the 30th of August (put off only because insurance would not cover it any earlier due to the date of the previous years scan), the tumor was 2.8cm and growing fast since it was HER2+. By the time I started aggressive chemo in October it had doubled in size and it could definitely be felt! Had it not been discovered when it was it could have easily spread to my lymph nodes and beyond.

So August 30, 2023 is 5 years since the mammogram and the day that changed my life drastically! That brings me to this year!

As I have written about before, when you begin cancer treatment and they start scanning various parts of your body to see if there is any evidence of cancer elsewhere in your body, they find things. So for the past 5 years I have been a regular patient at City of Hope. Not just for treatment, surgeries, procedures and follow up for breast cancer, but for other things that they found.

They haven’t discovered anything life threatening at this point. I will spare you all the details of the things they did find and the many scans, specialists, procedures, tests and follow up appointments I’ve had. If you are interested in those details, I have written about most of it in previous blog posts.

I have spent in total 134 days at City of Hope in the last 5 years for various appointments, surgeries and hospitalizations. This does not include the treatment and dozens of physical therapy appts for a frozen shoulder, resulting from my mastectomy, outside of COH.

One of the specialists I have seen consistently throughout the 5 years is a gynecologist, due to ovarian cysts they found 5 years ago on my various scans. They have been doing regular ultrasounds every 6 months to monitor the cysts because of the close link between breast cancer and other gynecological cancers. Also, because chemo forced my 46 year old body into early menopause and since chemo ended I have had irregular bleeding and periods which have now ceased but have left me with horrendous menopause symptoms and an enlarged and thickened endometrium. I have had 2 uterine biopsies in the past 2 years which have been negative for cancer, thank you Jesus! But due to my thick endometrium and an almost closed off cervical entry. (The NP could not get into my uterus on my last biopsy and I had to go back for a second attempt by the Gynecologist to get a sample). They do not know what is causing the thickening, so the options are continue scans and biopsies every year, do a D&C to scrape the endometrium, then continue scans and possible biopsies every year. Or option #3 a hysterectomy.

Well, due to all the irregularities, painful biopsies and ovarian cysts, not to mention my age, menopausal status and history of cancer in my family and myself, I opted for #3. So I will be having a radical hysterectomy (they take it all) on, you guessed it, August 30th! 5 years to the date that all of this started. What is left of my womanly reproductive parts will be removed. Good riddance!

My womanly parts served me well in the task of birthing and nursing 7 babies in my younger years. But I no longer need them or care to carry the risk of a future cancer diagnosis of those parts within my body. It’s the reason I opted for a double mastectomy with reconstruction (no actual breast tissue), and it is the primary reason I opt for them now to take not only my uterus, cervix and tubes but also my ovaries. I am 51, the age that it becomes safer to remove the ovaries. I am in menopause, so my ovaries no longer produce the hormones they did previously. So out they come. Goodbye to risks, ultrasounds, biopsies, Pap smears, all of it!

It is by divine appointment or maybe just coincidence that both surgeons, involved in my surgery, first available date is August 30th. But I choose to believe that it is a God wink, a little sign from the Lord that the choice I’m making is the right one, a completion date. A beginning and an end to reproductive cancer within my body.

So I approach this surgery with confidence and thankfulness. Thankful that I had healthy reproductive organs that gave me 7 beautiful children when they were needed for that purpose and thankful that the removal of said organs will diminish my chances of cervical, uterine, and the deadliest of the three, ovarian cancer, to nothing. I would say that’s a game changer!

There is hope beyond this. To God be all glory!

Do you? We all do. Whether Christian or non-Christian, Jesus said, “in this world, you will have trouble BUT take heart because I have overcome the world!” Take heart friends, He has overcome this world. For the Christ follower that is the good news! When we struggle, he is on our side and he will see us through it!

Life can be hard, and disappointing, and even devastating. That is why our hope should be in Jesus alone. Our heart and mind and strength enveloped in loving him, seeking him and listening to his voice. Our thoughts should be heaven minded, knowing this life is temporary. There will come a day when we can count on him to return for those who believe in who he is, put their faith in him, and allow him to change you into a new soul. He will give you a new heart and a desire to pursue him.

We are promised eternity with Jesus where there will be no more sadness, mourning or tears. No more evil. No more disappointment. So no matter how bad life seems, no matter how hurtful or hopeless, we have so much to look forward to. A future is promised to us, one of hope and wonder. A place has been prepared just for us because we are adopted into his family.

So at your low points, when you feel like giving up, running away, hiding under a rock, going back to bed…cling to Jesus. He is there dancing over you with joy, loving you with an everlasting love, making plans for you that are beyond what you can imagine. He is arranging moments of peace and joy and comfort in the unseen and those moments are coming. You will see his goodness in the land of the living! You will hear him when he speaks to your heart. When he shows you his love you will know he is faithful and that he sees you and every detail of your life. You can trust him.

That is how we can walk through the valleys and still feel joy. We can sit in mourning and sadness and feel comfort. We can feel like giving up but he would just ask us to rest in him. He wants to take our burdens. He isn’t going anywhere and he is faithful.

How anyone can get through this life without Him, I can’t fathom. No matter how full life on earth is for them, there will never be completeness. There will always be a longing, a searching, a desire to achieve something that is earthly when all the time they were created to be filled with Him. Nothing else will do. Nothing else will satisfy. Only Jesus can complete us. Don’t search elsewhere, it is equated to chasing the wind. Meaningless. I encourage those who don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus to turn to him. Give your life to him. He will secure your eternity. He will complete you. Don’t wait, don’t put it off. He died for you so that you can live in Him.

There is hope in Him. All glory to God.

I don’t know if it’s getting older that makes me more nostalgic than ever or if it’s having so much more time to think since being retired from nursing. Either way, these days I find myself cherishing sweet memories of childhood and holiday traditions and especially my parents.

I know I am blessed beyond measure to have both my parents still here with me on earth. My dad will be 86 this year and my mom 82. They’ve been married almost 61 years! Even though the Lord knows the number of their days, I do not, and so I cherish the time we have left before one or all of us leave this earth!

My parents are as close to perfect parents that two people could be. That doesn’t mean they don’t have flaws and that they did everything perfectly. It just means that all the good so far outweighs the bad, that it’s easy to just focus on everything good. Shouldn’t we all be doing that anyways?

The Bible tells us: “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

My parents have given me so much of what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable and excellent and worthy of praise that there is no room left for anything else that just doesn’t matter anyways. Fixing your thoughts is a choice and a discipline the Bible talks about a lot. Every action, behavior and habit starts out with a thought.

I have worked hard on my thought life the older I get and the more I’ve learned to apply Gods Word to my life and circumstances, not to just knowing it. Knowledge is fruitless without application.

The more I apply it, the more God reveals to me how too, even when it’s hard. So much of life’s sorrows is lifted and replaced with the peace of Christ when we fix our eyes and our thoughts on Him. I digress though.

Back to my wonderful, adorable, generous, loving parents. My parents and I have all battled cancer in the last 5 years and overcome! They are aging and I see the window of opportunity that is still open for now and wish to spend precious time with them while they can still enjoy it and before anyone goes to our heavenly home.

Last summer we got to spend over a month of time with them between two trips they took to visit here in California. During that time, my husband and I got away for a long weekend with them to our favorite place in San Diego and had such a wonderful time. This year I presented them with several traveling options and they really loved the idea of renting an RV and traveling around the US. The more we talked about where we would go and what we would see, the places started to get crossed off the list as the list of family grew longer which naturally expanded the locations. Isn’t that the best part of life anyways? Family.

So we are going to embark on a fun journey this month, my mom, my dad and me. It will take us throughout Texas to Florida/Alabama, up through Tennessee to Ohio, then to Illinois and across to Colorado, Nevada, California and then back to Texas through Arizona. In each of those states we have anywhere from 1 to 4 stops to make to visit family. By the time we are done my parents will have got to visit all their living siblings, and all their out-of-town children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. And a few extra family members and friends as well. This was the trip that meant the most to them. The people. The lives that God blessed them with here on this earth.

They could have chose Sweden, Europe, Canada, London. They could have chose National Parks, Monuments, museums, Niagara Falls, and more. But what they really wanted was to see the people they love and have invested their time and gifts into here on earth!

We are going to have such a special trip and have so much fun together! I am honored and blessed to be able to take them on this trip and spend this wonderful family time with them. As we journey, I will record about it on FB and maybe write a blog post or two. We are so excited. This is the stuff!

Thank you God for my parents, thank you for not taking them home just yet and allowing us the ability to take this grand adventure of love and family!

Cherish the ones you love, take advantage of all the moments life gives you. That is where our true treasure lies here on earth. Don’t waste it!

To God be all glory, our hope is in Jesus! So we can be assured that even after this life we have all eternity together in heaven! Praise be to Jesus!

In my entire life, I have never been at a loss for words. I have always been a talker, a communicator, extroverted, social, opinionated, and often argumentative. Over the last 10 years God has refined some of those character traits and flaws. Cancer hit in the middle of those 10 years and I came out changed in other drastic ways from that experience as well. This extrovert is now more of an introvert as much as that’s possible!

The one thing that I always had in abundance was words. I have been complemented often on my ability to write and express my story or content and to transparently share my life and testimony. It’s been suggested by a handful of encouragers in my life that maybe I should write a book. I don’t know about that, but several years ago I did start this blog. My purpose was to tell my story of Gods hope, love and grace. I wanted to be real and transparent, as He has created me to be, to show how He is due the honor and glory for taking my stories and working them together for good. To show that there is always hope.

I wanted my blog to be full of hope, encouragement, examples of Gods love and life beyond our struggles. I wanted to communicate to others that without God at the center of my story, life could have easily overtaken me and overwhelmed me and turned out much different. I wanted to show that with God all things could work together for good for those who love Him. And I love Him so very much and I am so grateful for what he has given me in my life, much more than I deserve. He deserves all the glory and my goal is to give him that honor and glory through my words in this blog.

It has been 9 months since I have written a blog post. I have started and stopped on multiple occasions with a sentence or two, but the words wouldn’t come. This past year has been a very difficult year in my life, filled with a deep grief that I have had to work through with Gods help. I struggled daily to not allow bitterness to take root in my life, fully aware of the possibility of that happening due to the wounds inflicted on me.

I have learned enough life lessons to recognize how offense can easily turn to bitterness and when bitterness takes root it grows and corrupts everyone it touches. It is poison. I wanted desperately for God to help me cover my pain and these offenses in grace, sometimes having to work hard to do it over and over so bitterness could not take root. I have spent this past 11 months plucking “bitter weeds” out of my garden on a regular basis. Replacing those little sprouts with grace, mercy, peace and love seeds. God has walked me through it and still is, because the hurt doesn’t just go away, especially when it’s ongoing. You could say the garden of our hearts needs constant plucking and planting and tending. I want to say I’m now an expert gardener after this past season, but in all humility I am still learning as I go. My teacher, He is the expert!

Sometimes we have to lay offenses down and give it over to God over and over again. We need to recognize when our thoughts are allowing hurt to dwell and become fertile soil for “bitter weeds” to begin to grow and take root. We all know that if you don’t pluck those weeds right away, they just grow bigger and taller and thicker and stronger. Then they become much harder to pluck out and often you need bigger tools to dig down and get the roots of the weed to fully eradicate it.

This year I have not only worked hard on plucking them quickly but also replacing them with seeds of love, mercy and grace. I didn’t want my heart to just be weedless soil but a carefully tended garden full of colorful blooms. My heart has been focused on this ongoing process of healing, loving, learning and recognizing the good things God has given me even when the loss seems overwhelming. How essential it is for us to keep our eyes focused on Him and not on our circumstances.

Every time I have started to write or wanted to pour out my heart, I found it so difficult to do that because of the conflict in me between the wounds and the mercy and love I was working so hard to cover the wounds in, through Gods grace. I did not want to eradicate the work I had done by talking about the weeds. How do you express one without the other? I could not find the words. So I would start to write wanting desperately to express my heart and then the words just would not come.

I could not find a way to express my grief without exposing it and diminishing the grace and love that had replaced it. I want mercy to triumph in my life. As I’ve expressed before, joy and sorrow often coexist. God is the author and finisher of our faith. He also tells us when trials come to count it all joy! Really?! How? When our faith is tested it produces perseverance and when perseverance has finished its work we become mature and complete and lack nothing! (James 1:2-4) Joy comes from persevering! It doesn’t mean we have to enjoy the trial, just realize that with Gods help the trials help us grow and mature and eventually lack nothing which brings joy even if the sorrow remains.

Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:14-15

In offering mercy and love to those who hurt us, (who hurt me), we ourselves receive grace. My grace filled garden is blooming this spring with beautiful and colorful blooms from the seeds planted where weeds could have been. But I am ever watchful over that garden of grace, tending, watering and watching to pluck out those nasty weeds as soon as they pop up! It’s a process and it takes work to have a beautiful garden. But it’s worth it!

There is hope beyond this! Thank you Lord for the grace you so generously give to us, the glory for my garden is yours!

I am passionate, I am opinionated, I am bold and outspoken, I am transparent, I am honest, I am faithful, and most would say, I am strong.

I am also caring, loyal, forgiving, trusting, and insecure. I am sensitive, I am emotional and I am easily hurt.

I have a passion for family and connection. It has driven my existence. When I was young it was babies, I loved newborns especially. It drove me into volunteering in the church nursery at a young age and then on to babysitting at 12 and 13. I wanted nothing else but to get married and have babies. I was even willing to skip straight to the having babies and prayed to God that he would “make me pregnant like the Virgin Mary,” when I was 12 years old. That didn’t work, but I’m sure God got a good chuckle. I wanted to be a mom more than anything.

I never fit in, not with friends in school and not with my own siblings. School mates saw me as opinionated, argumentative and loud. My siblings saw me as a “loud mouth,” a “tattle tale,” argumentative and always having to be right. I have spent my whole life trying to convince others that they misunderstand me, that I am not the person they labeled me to be.

I wanted so badly to belong and to connect with them and have always felt left out, pushed away, misunderstood and unlovable.

When I was 14 I was a candy striper (a volunteer) at the same hospital my mom worked at. She was a nurse supervisor on a medical floor and I always thought she should work with the babies. Eventually, she did become an L&D nurse. I knew that if I didn’t get married till later, I would become a nurse who worked with the newborn babies in some capacity. I ended up a NICU nurse (of course) for the majority of my 20 years in nursing.

I met my husband when I was 14. I was a freshman in high school. He was the older more experienced bad boy that transferred in from another state for the second half of his senior year. We met through a mutual friend and he was the first boy who truly showed me any interest. I didn’t have boyfriends in Jr High like so many of my friends did. Boys didn’t seem interested in me. So at 14, vulnerable, insecure and desperate to be loved and found attractive, he was my dream. He was charming and confident and knew all the right things to say. I was head over heels crazy about him.

Our relationship was a rocky one over the next three years. But I wouldn’t let go of him. It wasn’t exactly healthy. It wasn’t gods way. My parents didn’t approve. But nobody could convince me that they knew better than me because he made me feel all the things that I had longed to feel. Loveable, desirable, connected, beautiful, and wanted. It wasn’t easy, there were heart breaks along the way, but we married when I was 17 and he was 20. We started having babies right away because it was all I wanted in the whole world.

We did things our own way and not always in the best order. We separated for a lengthy time in the early years of our marriage, we almost divorced, we kept having babies, we reunited (by the grace of God alone), and we have now been married for 33 years. He is my best friend and the only lasting and deep connection I have had throughout my adult years. He sees me and he loves me just how I am. He is proof that God fulfills his promises to work all things together for good for those who love him.

I have struggled my whole life with people. Family, friends, co-workers, even God. I’ve always had a hard time connecting the way I wanted to. I always felt misunderstood and unseen. I have cared deeply and so therefore have felt deep rejection. I have friends, some have even been very close friends for a time, but the closeness never lasts and always felt one sided at some point. This, over time led me to believe there was something wrong with me. That people could only see a terrible person in me.

I have always loved God. He has been part of my whole existence as long as I can remember. I asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Savior at a very young age, maybe 7 or 8. He has picked me up over and over, brushed me off and pushed me back out there. He has worked many very bad and traumatic things in my life for ultimate goodness, restoration and healing. He has shaped me, molded me and taught me through trials because I often had to learn life lessons the hard way. He has held me, he has been next to me when I didn’t always know he was there and he has rescued me time and again. He has spoke to me through others, through his word and through that still small voice. He has been my friend through it all. Even when I couldn’t see it. Even when I pulled away, or screwed up, he waited patiently for me to come around.

A few years ago I went through biblical counselor training and certification. It was a time of great healing and break through in my life. God showed me how to apply his word, that I had been learning my whole life, in real ways that changed me. I desired to pray more effectively, his will and not my own. I began to understand and see with Christ-like eyes and love with God-love and desire more understanding of his word.

During that time I met with someone in a class I attended who was gifted in the ability to prophetically speak to others. She had a basic knowledge of me and my goals and passions from an information sheet that I filled out. She had spent time praying for me prior to our meeting. As I walked behind her, into the room where we met, my heel broke off my shoe. (That’s never happened before). I picked it up and limped behind her one heel on, one off. As we began to discuss my information sheet so she could gain more understanding of my Christian walk and goals, she shared two things with me that day that God showed her during her prayer time. First, she said she saw me holding a sword but struggling to wield it. She talked about what a sword could mean, not only a weapon but also the word of God. She told me that God wanted me to understand that he created me to be just who I am with all the passion, and boldness, and outspokenness and opinions and strength. But difficulties in relationships over time had made me believe that those qualities were bad. God wanted me to know that they weren’t bad, but just as you have to learn to properly wield a sword or you could hurt others and cause more damage than good. I would have to trust God to show me how to use the qualities he created in me for his purposes and for his good. This made a lot of sense and made me feel like it was ok to be me.

This image of me wielding a sword with God as my teacher and guide gave me courage and confidence that God created me to be exactly who I am and that I’m not the labels that have been placed on me but that I have a purpose and God was going to walk me through that purpose. It also made me aware of the damage I could do and had done throughout my life when carelessly swinging my sword. This gave me a desire to wield it within his will and not my own any longer.

Then she said the second thing she saw was a little more confusing. She asked if I had anything wrong with my leg or hip. She said she could see me walking with a limp and didn’t know what that meant. Did it mean anything to me? Immediately, my mind went back to my broken heel as I walked in this little room which caused me to limp in. She asked if that had any special meaning or if any scriptures were called to mind that had to do with limping. Immediately, I knew it was Jacob. So we talked about Jacobs limp. He wrestled all night with an angel of God who couldn’t overpower him so the angel touched the socket of his hip and wrenched his hip, the angel then asked to be let go and Jacob refused to let go until the angel blessed him. So the angel gave him the name Israel there and told him because he has wrestled with God and humans and overcome.

Jacob then said he had seen God face to face and his life was spared and from that time he walked with a limp.

So what did I take from that message? I am an overcomer! I have wrestled with God and man and I have overcome!

I have wrestled throughout my life with friendships, family, in marriage, with my kids, with my bosses and co-workers, with trauma, with cancer, with even God. Through it all I have overcome, and I have come out stronger, forged in the fire, wielding a sword for the Lord now instead of myself and it’s ok that I have a limp! It’s ok that I’m flawed and sometimes still get it wrong, because I am a work in progress, as we all are.

The limp also represents Jacobs unwillingness to let go until the Lord blessed him. I will cling to my Jesus all my days, I will not let go. My eyes will be stayed on the Lord and not the problems in front of me.

Recently, I have been under attack. The devil has tried hard to remind me of who I was before my refining. He has tried hard to make me feel everything I once felt about myself. I won’t accept those labels. My identity is in the Lord. I won’t look back. I will continue to look forward, leaving what is behind and wielding my sword in humility, honor, mercy, peace and love. God will have the last word in my life. I may walk with a limp but I do so in Jesus name.

There is hope beyond this. God, may my whole life bring you honor and glory forever!

The Bible says: “And they overcame him (the devil) because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.” Revelations 12:11

In my 50 years God and I have been through many trials and struggles, some that concluded in a joy filled ending, some that just came to an end and God used it all and worked it for good. Our lives are filled with testimonies of Gods goodness in our lives. He is always with us even when we feel all alone. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. In those moments when we feel abandoned, he is there working out his plan on our behalf. Our trials and suffering do not catch him off guard. He knows what’s coming and he already has it all worked out for us in advance. Our job is to trust him, hold on to him and keep our eyes on him and eventually, in his perfect timing, we will persevere. In my life I have struggled with both God and man/woman and overcome, like Jacob. It is because I have overcome that I can tell my stories of hope and give God the glory.

I was born into a family as number 6 of 7 children. I was the family scapegoat and had a hard time fitting in and being accepted by my siblings and with my peers. I was fortunate to be raised in a Christian home with amazing parents that have been married nearly 60 years. My mom was the “Martha Stewart” of moms but also worked as a nurse full time and that was hard on me. My dad was introverted and always calm and peaceful, he led our family through pray and the Bible through regular church attendance and involvement, bedtime prayers, family meetings and constant teaching moments. We had many adventures when I was a child on family vacations, visiting out of state relatives and church gatherings.

Junior High was my hardest school years. Fitting in, making friends, being bullied and tricked and betrayed. I was naive and trusting and loyal to a fault. I was also bold and outgoing in attitude and verbally, also transparent like an open book which allowed more people to know me and hurt me.

High School was interesting. It opened me up to more people who hadn’t known me before and I tended to make older friends. I had always been more mature than my age probably due to having so many older siblings. My friendships where hard, I was betrayed by those who were closest to me. I didn’t have many boys interested in me, but I met my husband my freshman year of high school. He was a senior. He was a typical “bad boy” and our relationship over the next 3 years was rocky and on and off. He proposed to me when I was 15 which I kept secret for some time since I wasn’t even allowed to date until I was 16. We lived together in our own apartment when I was 16 for about 6 months. During my senior year, I took my CHPE and left school at the beginning of the year to go to work for the company he and his family worked for. We were fired together, by his stepmother, for leaving work early for a holiday celebration with my family that she changed her mind about letting him leave for.

I was raped by a stranger in a mask when I was 17 which left me horribly traumatized at which time my parents allowed my fiancé to move in with me in their house to help me feel safe. We had to have my parents and a Judge give permission to marry at 17, which we obtained, and then got married 2 months after the rape.

My husband was 20 and I was 17 when we got married and we lived with my parents for the first 2 years of our marriage. He broke his leg and had surgery the month after we got married. Between his incapacities and my rape trauma, jobs were difficult and income was sparse.

My whole life, though, all I wanted was to get married and have lots of babies, which I had a mad passion for. We let nature take its course and I became pregnant the same month we married and our first of seven children was born 9 months and 9 days later.

I gave birth to and raised 7 children. We fostered 3 children somewhere in the middle of that which turned into a nightmare, each for its own reason. We separated after 2 1/2 years of marriage when I was pregnant with our third child (but didn’t know it). We came close to divorcing but God had other plans and miraculously changed our lives by restoring our marriage after 2 1/2 years of separation.

I lived with my parents during our separation and attended college, then nursing school. I graduated as an RN 6 months after being reunited with my husband and 6 months after that we bought our first house and got pregnant with our fifth child. (We had number 4 during our separation).

I worked as a postpartum nurse for my first year of nursing and then trained to become a NICU nurse, which I loved and stuck with for the remainder of my 20 years as a nurse. I was fired from 3 jobs for being outspoken, honest and having a tendency to take on a fight for justice head on. It made me a target. With my personality and strong opinions I often struggled with my relationships with co workers. I always felt misinterpreted and misunderstood. I felt like people couldn’t see through my outspokenness to see my heart. God had a lot of work to do in me. I was a force and often had to learn the hard way.

My husband was on and off disability for years due to numerous chronic health issues. Somehow we raised seven kids deeply involved in sports, theatre, dance, cheer, and numerous other activities. We bought a bigger house. We had 3 foster children live in and then out again of that house. We homeschooled for a time. We moved to Texas for 7 years, during which we filed bankruptcy for the second time and foreclosed on a house during the recession/housing market bubble bursting years. We had multiple surgeries between us on knees, shoulders, leg, feet, tonsils, gallbladder, and stomach.

We split our family in half after our kids started getting married and having kids of their own, to move back to California to pursue a job opportunity for my husband. I finally retired from nursing after 20 years as a perk of that deal. We’ve had kids move back and forth between Texas and California to be near us, to pursue job opportunities, for medical reasons and to try life on their own. We have raised all seven of our kids to adulthood. We have seen four of them get married including one being married by my husband who got ordained online. Minister Dan! We have many grandchildren and bonus grandchildren and have also been through the devastating loss of seven grand babies due to miscarriage and stillbirth. We don’t get to see our grandchildren very often, mostly due to distance.

I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer at 46 years old and went through chemo, a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction and beat it. I’m 3 years cancer free!

I have gone through several weight loss and weight gain journeys. We have been the poster couple for the Daniel Plan health plan during a year of our life. I have led many Bible studies and womens groups. I have gone through biblical church counseling training and certification and worked as a church counselor volunteering my time for over a year. God really reshaped my character through that journey especially. I started a blog and enjoy writing and sharing what the Lord has taught me.

I currently continue to overcome life obstacles, relationship disappointments and rejections with friends and family. I continue to suffer from some residual symptoms of chemotherapy, though doing better. Cancer has changed me into more of an introverted homebody then I ever imagined I could become. I have taken on dogs for companions and gotten passionate about them and wanting to try my hand at breeding puppies. I have always loved babies. I currently own 7 dogs!!! I love them. They are loyal and faithful and gods purest form in creation of unconditional love.

My wonderful husband and I are best friends and happier than we ever imagined we could be. We are grateful to have each other and cherish every day and moment we get to spend together after 33 years of marriage. God has blessed us in incredible ways.

Joy and sorrow often coexist. And we have had our share of both. Without Jesus in our lives, I honestly can say we wouldn’t be where we are. My biggest word of advice is don’t try to make it through this life without Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. He’s got us!

There is hope beyond this, to God be all glory for all our stories and our life together!

Tell me which of my stories would you like me to write about in more detail?

Do you know the first thing God shows us is love. John 3:16, probably the most well known verse in the Bible, tells us God loved the world so much that he sent his own son as a sacrifice for us, all we have to do is believe in him and accept him to be welcomed permanently into his eternal family. This is Gods ultimate example of love.

Sacrifice, acceptance, grace.

He loved us first, then he sacrificed for us accepting us while we were still sinners, he welcomed us into his family without condition and only through the free gift of grace.

He continues in patience, gentleness and compassion to mold us throughout our lives, loving us and accepting us as part of his family without fail. His love is never demanding, never conditional. He is a perfect Father. He sanctifies us never deviating from his loving character.

Does God correct us? Of course. But he only does it in line with his character for the purpose of sanctifying us, teaching us, loving us and gracing us with purpose and his gifts. When we aren’t ready for this process or we have closed ourselves off to the lesson, he loves us where we are. Even if we totally reject him. Love does not demand it’s own way. He is patient and kind with us. He doesn’t hold a record of wrongs against us. He is not too proud or self serving to continue being in relationship with us even when we aren’t ready to be changed. He loves us without condition and waits patiently to teach us when we are ready. No matter how many loving attempts it takes. He never gives up on us or rejects us from his presence, from his protection, from his family…because his love always hopes, always perseveres and never fails.

Does Judgement enter in, the Bible tells us judgement day is at the end. Not throughout. Is he aware of our wrongs, of course, he is God. But through the blood of Christ our wrongs are removed from us as far as the east is from the west. He looks upon us as holy through Jesus. White as snow. Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that the picture of a perfect Father? No condemnation in Christ, only mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion, love.

I praise God for his patience and love for me. Because I do not always learn things the first time. I thank him for loving me through it, accepting me in spite of it and never giving up on me all the while offering his love to me in all kindness, and grace. Never rejecting me, never placing demands on me, taking what I’m willing to give to him and holding no wrongs against me. Then in all his loving kindness He delights in me and dances over me with joyful songs. He fulfills promises to me of peace and wisdom, hope and provision. His blessings are beyond what I ask for or imagine. He is a good good Father.

That is love. That is how He loves you and me. Do you love like that? Ask and you will receive the ability to love like that!

There is hope beyond this! To God be all glory.

Pondering for me can often lead to a blog post!

I’ve always loved the scripture Luke 2:19: “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

Mary becomes so relatable as a woman and a mother to me in this short sentence. I sit often and treasure up so many things, pondering them and storing them away in my heart. Our memories are important. Focusing on the treasures we have leads to gratitude and joy.

For many, 2020 was the crazy year. For me, 2021 held so many more significant events to ponder. For starters, 2021 marked 2 years of being cancer free. I did have a good scare early in the year though and still suffer from many lingering chemo issues.

I remain cancer free! Cancer changed things for me in so many ways. Big and little.

The most significant way is that I became a homebody. I don’t go out much at all anymore and don’t really have the desire to. So I guess it was inevitable that dogs became something I decided would fill the void. I had no idea where that would lead once it started, but 2021 was significant in that I added 5 puppies to our home throughout the year. Heading into 2021 we had two dogs, one of which died this year of an unusual autoimmune disease. (We miss our Lexi girl). So currently we have 6 dogs. Now that is something to ponder!

They keep me very busy and they are my buddies.

I added so many mostly because I plan to breed my two females once they are old enough. So that will become my new hobby and give me the opportunity to try something new and fun that I’ve always wanted to try. More to come on that front.

I added a second bonus son this year when my second daughter got married in a beautiful ceremony in my back garden in April. All my children and grandchildren came together for the occasion which is a rarity these days. I also, added three new bonus grandchildren through this union.

My third son got engaged in July so we added a fiancé into our ever growing fold.

In October we welcomed not one but two grand babies! A boy in Texas born to my second son and a girl in California born to my first son, just 9 days apart! And our sweet granddaughter is only our second girl grandbaby with a 10 year gap between them!

Sadly and joyfully, we added two more grand babies to our count of grandchildren in heaven. 7 souls we look forward to meeting when we arrive someday! Bittersweet!

Covid struck us hard this year. Diagnosed at the end of July. I was very sick for three weeks along with other family members. My husband became so sick he was hospitalized on hiflow Oxygen for two weeks with significant lung damage. He lived through it, thanks be to God. He came home on oxygen and even though he is progressively healing he remains on supplemental O2 currently. This significantly changed our lives and activities! But God is so good to give him breath to live another day and now another year as he has for us all. I’m so very grateful we still have each other. It’s a gift!

We were also blessed to be able to travel to Texas in October between baby births to meet our newest grandson and visit with our people.

In November we received a bonus blessing and added a God-grandson, born to my dear nephew and bonus niece who are so very special to us! We are honored to be a special part of their lives as well.

Our holidays were so special and filled with love and good memories! Our cup runs over!

So we close out 2021 and enter 2022 with anticipation, gratitude and joy for all that God has done and will do! He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it until we meet him face to face!

We are blessed beyond measure and I treasure each gift from above and each trial I can now consider pure joy. We are promised whenever we face trials of many kinds, the testing of our faith produces perseverance. And perseverance when it’s finished its work will lead to being mature and complete, not lacking anything.

To God be all glory for 2021, there is hope beyond this!

Happy New Year!

Bring it 2022!!!