I am 46 years old, I’m going to be 47 in 11 days. And at 11:11 this morning, September 14th, I received the call confirming what I already suspected, it is cancer. I don’t know a whole lot yet except that the type I have is common and the outlook is promising.
On August 30th I went in for my annual mammogram. The tech spotted something on the scan that she immediately showed the radiologist who then ordered further images localized to a specific area of my left breast (directly over my heart) and then further imaging with an ultrasound. I knew that day what all of this could mean, even before my Doctor gave me the results that afternoon of all the imaging: “highly suggestive of malignancy.”
One week later on September 6th I went back for an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy of the mass found in my left breast and some enlarged lymph nodes in my left axilla. I never felt a lump in my breast. I didn’t know anything was wrong. This was supposed to be routine. This goes to show you just how important it is to get a mammogram done annually. Don’t put it off. Screenings are essential.
After the biopsy I had to wait for results (up to a week is what I was told). It took 8 full days. Not fun!
“Be still and know that I am God.” This was hard, conflicting thoughts and feelings ran through my head every waking moment. I had to work hard to not let my thoughts run away with countless hypotheticals. I spent this “still” time listening to worship music and seeking the Lord for peace and comfort in the process. All the while totally aware of the flood of emotions being held back just below the surface by the hope that this could all be nothing. Not knowing is the hardest thing for me. Even though I know that God has all the details and he holds me in his hands, I just want to know which direction to release my thoughts and emotions in a productive way.
1 in every 8 women will get breast cancer in her lifetime. I am more than a statistic. I am chosen, I am valuable, I am loved. I am forgiven. I am saved. I am redeemed. My name is written in the book of life and my Savior goes to prepare a place for me where a crown of righteousness will be bestowed upon me when that day comes. Everyday of my life is recorded in his book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. This did not sneak up on him or catch him off guard. My citizenship is in heaven and my identity is in him. I rest in that!
As I ask for support and prayers from everyone, I want you all to know my hope is in the Lord and His will for my life. My faith is strong and my confidence is in God alone to see me through to the outcome that brings glory to His name. I ask for prayer for strength and peace, healing and guidance, comfort and joy in the midst of this storm. This not just for me but for my dearest and sweetest friend, my husband and love of my life. Also, for my beloved children and all my family. I pray that they will be given peace from Jesus that surpasses all understanding.
I prayed for a miracle between my mammogram and my biopsy that the mass would be gone and there would be nothing there for them to biopsy. That was not his plan. I believe I will receive my miracle, I just don’t know how that will play out. So I continue forward in the valley with Him at my side, my Shepard, comforting me as we go. He will lead me beside still waters and eventually to my mountaintop moment when the valley will be behind me. As a realist I know that some of us he heals this side of heaven, others he heals through spiritual resurrection in heaven. What is His plan for me?
This I know, whatever his plan for me is, I will trust in him as I pray for the desire of my heart as Jesus did, “that He will take this cup of suffering away from me.” I want to live life long on this earth with my dear sweet husband, my beloved children and grandchildren and my family. I want to be here and I pray the number of my days is oh so much longer than this. I ask that you pray with me and for me. He hears our prayers and is a compassionate and loving God and a good good Father.
Jesus knew in the garden what he was about to face. The unbearable suffering. He knew the outcome was death on the cross, the ultimate sacrifice for us. His whole purpose in coming to this earth in the flesh. Yet He cried out, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
What an incredible example he showed us of steadfast faith in the valley of the shadow of death. His feelings were intense and real and his human desire was to not have to experience the suffering, but his desire to allow Gods will to come to pass above his own flesh was stronger. His suffering and resurrection was necessary for our salvation and resurrection. As believers we are eternally grateful for his obedience unto the cross and also grateful the responsibility for the salvation of all mankind does not rest on our shoulders.
I may not know exactly what lies ahead for me, the extent of the suffering, the outcome of this trial, or the purpose it will serve. But I do know that because of what Jesus did on the cross and because I believe in who he is that my eternal home is in heaven and this life is “but a breath.” I trust Him in his plan for me and in the promises in His Word. He is the Rock on which I stand all other ground is sinking sand. He is my hope, my healer, my strength, my comforter and my guide.
From the moment I came into being my days, and yours, were numbered, only he knows the number of my months and so I put my hope in him alone. All my life is in His hands. I trust Him. Ultimately, I want my life to bring glory to His Name.
There is hope beyond this…to God alone be the glory!