Here we go! I’m about to get totally real, honest and vulnerable about a topic that has caused some of my deepest hurts and is my most unfulfilled desire on this earth. I hesitate in writing about friendships because honestly it may make me appear desperate, pathetic and a total loser! Ha! But I suspect that there are others out there that have had similar experiences and heart breaks! Losers like me! 😜

I have always wanted a best friend as long as I can remember. I was born number 6 of 7 children and always felt like an outcast. Being one of the youngest in the family meant getting picked on a lot and because I have always had an outspoken personality and an overwhelming sense of justice, as a small child I was a tattle tale. My siblings called me a “nark.” If you remember that term, you are old like me! This made me a less than desirable pesky younger sibling that was left out a lot. I truly felt growing up that nobody in my family really liked me much. So, I was kind of desperate to find a best friend!

In school I tried so hard to find a best friend but it always seemed like everyone already had a best friend or a group of friends and I was just one more in the crowd, nothing special. I was always opinionated and outspoken and often argumentative as a child, not really learning how to control these bold aspects of my personality until later in life. Often times I was described as “always having to be right.” I’m sure this turned many people off. I wasn’t all bad though! I am extremely relational, very social. I have a strong sense of loyalty and caring toward people I love. I’ve always considered myself a good and true friend.

Through my elementary years I had many friendships, but nothing that stuck once moving up to Jr High. Jr High was a nightmare. I tried so hard to make a friendship work with someone who had a close friendship with someone else (since like the third grade or something) and this other friend was having none of that. I tried hard to be nice to that other friend but she made my life miserable through Jr High and did some very cruel and hurtful things to me, that left their scars. In the end, the friendship faded away as we moved into high school. High school was more of the same. I established some deep friendships with a couple of people throughout those 4 years, but they always had other friends and they were older and graduated before me and after graduation they were gone.

I met my best friend in all the world in high school, my husband! I cherish that friendship that we share more than anything, but let’s be real, girlfriend relationships are just different. Men can’t be girls! He knows me better than anyone, he is my biggest supporter and I can talk to him about anything. A spouse being your friend is amazing and beautiful but is very different than having a great girlfriend!

At my wedding, my sisters and sister in laws were my bridesmaids because I just didn’t have any friendships that had lasted through high school. My sisters were never very close to me, one being 8 years older and polar opposite and the other one kind of lost herself around the time I got married and disappeared for many years. I’ve never had a strong “sister” relationship, something else I wish could be different.

Oh, I’ve had many friendships over the years since and met many amazing women. Even a few that really stand out. I have tried so hard to keep up friendships on my end. But eventually it has always felt like I was making all the effort, the calls, the invites and if I stopped then each friend would drift away and not even seem to miss me much. Often times because they had so many other established friendships or their life was busy, or distance was an issue, or it just simply didn’t mean as much to them.

I had a personal breakthrough about 12 years ago and this constant obsession with finding a “best friend” became less important to me. You could say the pursuit had become so important that it became a stumbling block for me in my spiritual pursuit of Jesus. He got my attention one night as I was reading my Bible. It was one of those moments when he spoke clearly to me through His Word. I was reading Revelation 3:20 and the words jumped out at me like he was speaking them directly to me: Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

He was speaking to my heart saying to me, Rebecca I want you to pursue me the way you are pursuing friendships. I have been here knocking for so long, when are you going to let me in? When am I going to be enough? When are you going to accept my friendship? I began to cry and I knew that pursuing relationships the way I had been, desperate to find the perfect friend, had always been more important to me than pursuing my Savior. Matthew 6:33 says: Seek first my kingdom and all these things will be added to you.

So I stopped trying so hard to find a “best” friend and began the pursuit of a deeper friendship and more intimate relationship with Jesus. I figured if I stopped focusing on finding a great earthly friend, eventually one would come.

Now I know it would be perfect if my story was such that as I grew spiritually, God brought that girlfriend I’d always wanted into my life. Well that isn’t my story. I have Jesus and I have my husband and honestly if that is all I ever have on this earth it will be enough. I am truly blessed. I know that!

But, a girl still wants her girlfriends! It’s just a regret I suppose, that none of the girlfriend relationships throughout my lifetime have stuck! I know comparison is a bad idea, but I see so many ladies out there with close friendships that have lasted through the years, girlfriends who are in touch all the time, part of each other’s lives, raising their families together, celebrating special occasions together and I can’t help but wish that I had that! I don’t obsess over it, but it’s something I wish I had. Growing closer to God didn’t just take away that desire of my heart. It just made it less of a priority over my relationship with God.

Most days, all I need is my husband and my family and that is more than enough! I know how lucky I am, how blessed my life is, don’t get me wrong. I also know this is exactly why we should never compare, because maybe others have great girlfriends but not such a great marriage or other problems in their life that I haven’t had to deal with. I love my life and wouldn’t trade with anyone else.

But some days I get lonely, my husband is busy working much of the time and my kids are mostly grown and off doing their own things and then it hits me. Nobody, fills that “girlfriend gap.” Nobody that, we-know-everything-about-each-other-and-love-being-part-of-each-other’s-lives. That girlfriend who pursues me as much as I pursue her. Back and forth, give and take. Someone who would feel my absence if I disappeared for awhile. Someone who would check in on me if they hadn’t heard from me for a few days or weeks. Someone who even if I moved away, I couldn’t be replaced and we would be on the phone all the time, keeping up with each other’s lives and families and special occasions.

I’ve never had that.

My husband, who doesn’t even care about this kind of stuff, has a best friend that he has had since high school. They work together now so they see each other almost everyday. But after all these years, it stuck! And they would do anything for each other!

Does this make me desperate, pathetic and a loser? No, I don’t believe that. I do believe I can’t be the only one who feels this way. I also believe that some of those friendships out there on social media and such aren’t as wonderful as my mind has made them out to be. I also know everyone is very different, and not everyone feels the way I do about friendship. To some, friendships come easily, they have more friends than they know what to do with and keeping up with them all can be overwhelming. To others, having lots of acquaintances and no “best” friend is the way they like it. Some have friends for seasons, whoever meets their needs for that time in their life is who they invest in. Some just don’t value close friendships.

But I have always longed for a deep friendship that withstands the test of time, not fair-weathered, not temporary, not drowned out by a zillion other friends. Loyal, meaningful, caring, honest and true, that is what I have always had to offer and have always longed for and after 47 years of life, I’m still missing.

So some days I feel more lonely than others and get to feeling sorry for myself. It makes me sad not having a close friendship. I find myself calling people randomly trying to find someone who can take the time to chat. Usually it’s different people depending on who I can get ahold of like my mom, sister in laws, an adult daughter, or whoever might be available from their busy lives. Nobody consistent. Its hard when the people in your life aren’t necessarily as relational as you or have their own friends, or are in a totally different age bracket and stage of life than you. It’s also hard to have deep, meaningful conversations with people who aren’t consistently part of your life, so the conversations are more about playing catch up about what’s going on in life. Other days I put messages out on FB asking if anyone might like to meet for lunch, just to see who might care enough or be interested enough to respond. The results of that are often disappointing. People are just so unavailable or live to far away. So usually I gather my resolve and go back to being content with my circumstances, realizing again all the wonderful things I do have. I know it’s better to keep my thoughts filled with my blessings as opposed to focusing on what I don’t have and may never have.

So if you have those kinds of friendships, hold on to them! They are precious and something not everyone is fortunate enough to have. Someone who knows all about you and you all about them. Someone who can’t go a week without texting or talking. Someone who can’t let your birthday go by without taking you to lunch or celebrating with you and making you feel special by more than just a well wish on FB. Someone who knows everything that’s going on with your kids and you theirs. Someone who shares their life with you and makes you feel like if you were gone you would be sincerely missed. Someone who you can chat with about all those things husbands don’t really enjoy chatting about. If you have that, someone you call a “best” friend, then treasure it! Your lucky!

If you don’t, like me, then focus on all the good gifts and blessings you do have! I mean seriously, nobody can have it all! As for me, what I do have is pretty great! I give all glory to God for the gifts he has given me and even the ones he has withheld for my growth and my own good. There is hope beyond this!

Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers. Proverbs 18:24 (GNT)

When I started this blog back in September, I was on fire, writing three blog posts right out of the gate. I figured I would write at least 1 or 2 a month on average. Now, more than 6 weeks have passed since my last post. I’ve had multiple birthdays in that time, mine and my husbands included. I went on 2 trips, one incredibly fun get-away with my husband to San Francisco and a full and quick trip to Texas for my dads 80th birthday! I also battled a 3 week long sinus infection and have had other family things pop up, including having my grandkids for 4 nights! Life happened! It’s been a fun and busy season and I have had many blog post ideas in that time but never found the right time to sit down and write.

Today, God has placed something on my heart to write about, so I’m making time. I have a great burden on my heart for our nation. I have never been much into politics or news of the day, etc. That is, until the elections last year. God began stirring interest in me through prophecies I read in regard to the election and 2017 in general. I began following and watching and I began to see God move in a way I had never seen before.

I went from being a skeptic as to whether a man like Donald Trump could actually win and then lead this country, but terrified of the alternative as many Christians were, to believing wholeheartedly that God was about to cause a great upset within the election itself. What everyone thought was impossible was about to happen on election night. I believed he would win! I actually feel that God revealed that to me through many confirmations.  As my husband can attest to, I was completely confident the last week or so before election night. I had no clue how it would turn out exactly, but I believed in my Spirit that God had ordained it and that it was going to happen. Also, I knew that if God chose Trump as an instrument for His purposes in this country, I could trust that and stand behind it, come what may!

I have become an avid follower of the news and all that is happening in our country. Mostly because I am excited to see what God is going to do. I know and trust He has a plan and I don’t want to miss it as it plays out! I have watched the good, the bad and the ugly in this nation unfold. Within politics, media, Hollywood, natural disasters, terrorist attacks, etc. I have witnessed the division, hate, protests, and violence; but then also, genuine love and the best of mankind and patriotism like never before. I have been compelled to pray for this nation and it’s people and also the world like never before. I pray that hearts would be softened, and minds would be changed so that a turning to God, and a revival would happen like never before. This is imperative.

This last week I read the book The Paradigm by Jonathan Cahn, also the author of The Harbinger. I was blown away by the details and events in the book, the latest prophetic revealing of mysteries revealed to Rabbi Cahn. The revelation of modern time happenings corresponding with a template laid out 2500 years ago in ancient Israel. You can’t make this stuff up. The impossibilities of the past playing itself out in the exact same paradigm in our modern times and with our modern leaders, it’s simply put, mind blowing!!! God is sovereign! He is in all the details! I recommend everyone read this book. Everyone!

After finishing the book I read 1 & 2 Kings. I wanted to read the historical evidence of ancient Israel for myself. As I was reading, God showed me even more signs of our times. I want to share that and what I believe He is saying to us through the prophet Elijah’s encounter with Gods presence in 1 Kings 19.

+++Small spoiler alert. In a chapter of The Paradigm, the author correlates us, the church, as the modern day antitype of Elijah. He explains in detail how this can be. The responsibility to carry the Word of God to others in this modern age is not on one man or prophet but on every believer in which the Holy Spirit resides.

While I was personally reading about Elijah’s encounter with the presence of God in 1 Kings, I came across another striking correlation to modern day events within his story. Read the following passage:

1 Kings 19:11-13 New International Version (NIV)

11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

Does this sound familiar to what has happened in the last 3 months? First the hurricanes came (the wind), then the earthquakes came, then the fires came! But God was not in those signs according to scripture. Where was God? God was in the gentle whisper that came after all the noise and distractions.

The Holy Spirit (God), resides in the hearts of believers. We have the honor through faith in Jesus, since the time of the cross, to walk and dwell in the presence of the One true God. Just as God was in the gentle whisper directing Elijah where to go and what to do, encouraging Elijah not to give up, reassuring Elijah that he is not alone and revealing to Elijah the remnant of followers that exist even when it seemed like darkness was winning, and evil was prevailing. He is also directing us, encouraging us, reassuring us, and revealing to us through the power of His Holy Spirit. But are we listening? Or are we more caught up in the noise and distractions where God can not be found.

God uses unlikely people throughout the Bible to bring about His will, His plans and His purposes. He will continue to do so. It may not always happen perfectly, it most certainly will not, because humans are involved. It may not always happen the way we think it should. We may even be shocked at the ways and the means in which he works out His plans. But He is clear that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.

It is clear that the source of the division in this country is not about race, religion, politics, media, climate change or Donad Trump. (This is just noise and distraction.) The source of the division is a spiritual battle that rages between light and darkness, between Gods ways and Satan’s failing plans. Yes, even when it looks like darkness has an upper hand in our culture, we know the end of the story. EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord!

The following is an excerpt from The Paradigm:

“A political answer can not solve a spiritual problem. But it can open a window through which the answer can come. On the other hand, a political turning without a corresponding spiritual turning will end up in failure and calamity. As for the desire to make America great again, the only way to make America great again is for America to return to the God who made America great in the first place. The answer is in repentance, return, and revival.  …The time is late. The window is temporary. We must not waste it.”

So the question is, how will you respond as a modern day Elijah? How will you respond to the gentle whisper and will you be listening? God is revealing His plan and reassuring you that you are not alone. Now is not the time to give up, now is the time for action. Will you heed the call or will you hide in a cave? God is asking you and me also, “What are you doing here, (your name)?”

To God be the glory

I know all of us would love to have a direct phone line to God, right? Sometimes we really just want concrete answers to our dilemmas. Countless times I have prayed to God, “Lord just tell me what to do and I will do it!” Maybe you can relate. 

I have heard many sermons and teachings on this subject. We hear God through that still small voice, through reading his Word, through other people who God uses to speak wisdom into our circumstances or confirm what we already were thinking. Very rarely do you hear the stories of the audible voice of God, but sometimes we do. I vote for that one!!! Or a billboard would do, a text or an email would be great also!

All joking aside, I have always struggled with hearing God speak and being confident it was really him. Even when I feel so sure that God is directing me, I often later doubt if that was really God? I have had some times in my life when the messages came through so clearly that it left no room for doubt. Usually due to confirmation after confirmation came to me. This is an area in which I still have so much to learn and I deeply desire to recognize Gods voice. But until I get there, he is so gracious to me and doesn’t give up on me after one try. Sometimes I need a proverbial brick wall to fall on me to get my attention. Seriously!

While sitting here having my morning coffee, enjoying the quiet of my house (it wasn’t always that way) and being ever so grateful for the opportunity to be a stay at home wife and mother during this season of my life, God spoke to me. No, not audibly. But I heard him nonetheless. Let me explain. It’s a little lengthy.

For those of you that read my first two blog posts yesterday, you know that I just started this blog and why. I have felt God burning this dream on my heart for some time and though I may have overthought it, put it off longer than necessary, and just been plain scared to try, I finally did it!

Once I figured out how to link my first blog post to social media, the encouragement and responses I received from you, my friends, were amazing. (This is how God speaks to us through others!) I felt built up in my spirit! I felt courage and confidence to keep doing this crazy thing that God has been laying on my heart to do! I no longer feel insecure or stupid for trying something I was so unsure of. Most of the time we look at these moments from an earthly perspective and don’t always see Gods hand in it. We don’t hear his voice of encouragement through the words of others. I didn’t recognize God in the encouragements right away. I just finally got it this morning when he spoke to me again, in another way!

Jesus puts our cotton ears and foggy vision like this:                                                                            For the hearts of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes–so their eyes cannot see, and their ears cannot hear, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them. But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. (Matthew 13:15-16)

We all have our moments when we do not see or hear what God is showing us or telling us. This is why we pray for eyes to see, ears to hear and a softened heart to receive and understand his Word. So hopefully we won’t miss the blessing!

So getting back to my morning coffee! I always spend time in the morning reading Gods Word through various sources. (I can talk about this in detail in another blog post) One of those sources is three separate daily devotionals from Pastors I highly regard, they come to my email every morning. (This is one way God speaks to us through his Word and teachings related to scripture.) 

First, I read Greg Laurie’s Harvest Daily Devotional. Here is a small excerpt:

‘Sometimes we understand the circumstances of our lives, and at other times they mystify us. We make our plans, but God always will have His way. There is nothing wrong with making plans for tomorrow, next month, or next year. But just remember, the Lord may change your plans. He, not you, is in control of your life. The prophet Jeremiah wrote, “I know, Lord, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course” (Jeremiah 10:23). We are told in Proverbs 16:9, “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” And Proverbs 20:24 says, “The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” We call this divine providence.’

Pastor Greg went on to talk about one of the topics I covered in my second blog post about bad experiences and how God works things for our good and quoted the same scripture I quoted, Romans 8:28. At this point I was thinking, “wow that’s really cool.” That is what I just wrote about last night. Furthermore, I felt encouraged and built up in my blogging endeavor from the part about God directing our steps no matter what plans we make, divine providence in action! His timing is always perfect!

Second, I read Christine Caine’s devotional, First Things First. Here is an excerpt from her:

‘Use Your Gifts!                                                       Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms … so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen (1 Peter 4:10-11).’

So I thought well isn’t that even more cool! A devotion about using your gifts to serve others and glorify God in the process! ‘To God be the glory’ is even the statement I make at the end of each blog post and here it is in my scripture for this morning! That is exactly what I want to do with my blog and what I wrote about in my blog posts yesterday! At this point I was seeing a pattern and thinking to myself how awesome God is that the day after taking such a huge step of faith, the Almighty arranged the topics of my devotions to so perfectly suit my situation and encourage me in the process. “You are so good to me that way God!”

Then I read my third and final devotion. Pastor Rick’s Daily Hope. This is when it was clear, this was God speaking directly to me, confirming that I was obediently pursuing my calling and purpose in this season. His devotion title was Share Your Experiences! The whole devotion was amazing but again here is a small excerpt of the summary:

‘You have experiences in your life that could be barrier-busting, inspirational, and motivational to other people — but only if you’re willing to share them. This is one way you can encourage others and give them hope.’

Yessss! Hope! Inspiration! Motivation! Breaking barriers! This is what I want to do through blogging and sharing my story! 

God you are so good, thank you for speaking so clearly to me, not through one of my devotions but through ALL THREE! I know I can be a little hard headed at times and not recognize you when you speak in every situation. But wow, my eyes are open now! From yesterday’s promptings and encouragement through friends, to today’s confirmations through scripture and teachings on scripture in my devotions. Only you God can orchestrate that kind of perfection. Thank you for loving me so much and reassuring me just when I needed it.

It just blows me away every time I hear him speak so clearly and personally to me! Oh how I love how he loves me. You can not truly encounter Jesus and be left the same!

So friends, I encourage you to ask for those intimate, sweet encounters with our Savior! Ask him to give you ears to hear and eyes to see and a heart that understands. He says you do not have because you do not ask. (James 4:2c) So ask him! He will come through and you will know it! 

To God be the glory!

That is what I am doing with this blog! Learning as I go. I spent half the day today wrestling with the computer program that creates this blog. “It’s easy,” they said. “Self-explanatory,” they said. When it comes to figuring out new things on a computer, it is almost never easy for me. In fact it was extremely frustrating and there were several times I was just going to throw in the towel and give up. So you may see things change a lot on my blog until I get things figured out. I will eventually add more pictures and information and develop the format more as I figure out how to do that!
This is the story of my life. Really it should be the story of all of our lives. We learn by doing, by trying, by acting. We make mistakes and we keep trying until we get it right. Sometimes we have to ask for help (like contacting the help chat line), asking someone with more understanding, watching a tutorial or reading instructions. Sometimes we may even get it right the first time. When we do get it right, whether at first or after 50 tries, it builds our confidence to keep going. To persevere!

This is much like the sanctification process. We are all works in progress, learning as we go. Of course we must apply what we learn, making adjustments and modifications along the way to becoming a better version of who God designed us to be. We may learn from those wiser than us when we seek wise council, we hopefully will read life’s instruction manual (the Bible), or hear a message or a sermon that teaches us important lessons. We also learn from life experiences, good and bad. The Bible says problems and trials produce perseverance, which produces character and character produces hope. Hope that doesn’t disappoint us because of Gods love for us (Romans 5:3-5). There is hope beyond this, in the process, in the character shaping, in the persevering! But what usefulness is learning if we don’t apply it? James 1:22 tells us not to merely listen to the Word but to do what it says, otherwise we are deceiving ourselves. What a waste of time that is!

Our stories are the life experiences that make-up who we are now and who we are to become. Sometimes we can even be changed and shaped by other people’s stories. But our stories become chapters and the chapters become a book. Not just any book, but a beautifully crafted masterpiece of our life. A best seller!

How many times have I said, “I wish I had known then what I know now?” “How much easier life would have been.” That’s just it! It was the journey and the process of experiencing life, learning from it and applying what I learned, that got me to a place of understanding. It made me who I am. That is why when you tell your young adult children things you learned from experiences and choices you’ve made, they look at you at times like you haven’t got a clue. They have to experience it for themselves no matter how badly we want them to learn from our experiences. Nobody wants the bad experiences or the trials of life and we certainly avoid them if at all possible. The fact is bad experiences come anyways and the Gods honest truth is that if God promises to take the bad and work it for our good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes, (Romans 8:28), then if we could go back and take away the bad experience we also remove the good God will work out of those circumstances! Often times the good far exceeds the bad. That is a whole other blog topic! 

So hopefully as I blog along. I will learn and apply and create a masterpiece! I will seek advice from those chat room support advisors, from tutorials, from my daughter who is ahead of me in the blogging world and my husband the IT expert. I will learn through trial and error in many cases. But above all, I’m gonna have a lot of fun trying!! I hope you all will be blessed along the way. There is hope beyond this! To God be the glory.